Friday, November 2, 2012

Riding the Storm

This may not be the most eloquent piece I've ever written, but it may just be one of the most important ones. It is to me anyways. The truth is, I'm so stubborn that it took a hurricane to open me right up.

Ms. Sandy hit a little too close to home for me. Someone I love deeply was in the storm's sight-line and I followed that damn Hurricane like it was the last thing I would do here. I felt out of control to the situation, but staying current gave me this false sense of security; one where I had convinced myself that if I knew enough of what was going on, I could protect my friend (let’s face it…I absolutely knew that I wouldn't be able to do much for her if the hurricane decided to take Massachusetts…pffff…One way or another, keeping up to date provided solace) ...

Feeling helpless, I took a long hard look around my home.
Never being more present in my ‘Now’ than I was; I stood there, finding myself in such a state of deep empathy for everyone being affected,  I was in fact physically hurting. My chest was tight, my breath became short, my throat was dry…. and my eyes!...Oh my God, I've never felt so much pressure behind my eyes before.  I thought of my kids and how safe I’d be able to keep them if that was us. I thought of my parents and siblings who are a bridge over water away from me; would I be able to get to them? I thought of my cousin and her kids, would they be okay?  would I be able to help her? I thought of everyone that surrounded me. All I could think was, “what if it was us?” My heart shattered into the smallest pieces as I looked around me and all I saw was a collection of a whole lot of nothing; things and belongings that would be pretty much useless to my family’s well-being… even more gut wrenching was that  I saw so little that held a substantial purpose. Very, and by very, I mean minutely, shortly after that… all I was faced with, was the exact same conclusion about who I was and what I stood for; assessing what I had collected within myself….within my person. I had become a person who was spending energy on a lot of uselessness, without  spending a fraction of enough, on purpose. We all have the option to live on purpose, in purpose and with purpose. But I wasn't  I’m not. Do you live with intent? What are your intentions with your time here?  Do you know?

I was faced with reality; that hurricane may not have been the reality here in Canada, but it was a reality in this world and I just couldn't bring myself to brush it off my shoulder like a piece of meaningless lint just because it wouldn't reach us. Whether you would want to call it reality or not, I was a woman, standing amidst the chaos that was her home, her being, her life and feeling utterly purposeless….living without reason; a woman who just kind of found herself here....and that was my reality. I was a woman who was face to face with a very real definition of wants vs. needs. In fact I was faced with the reality of a lot of different terms that we throw around. What it really means to be a victim, what it takes to overcome it, what a lack of stability or security really is, what is within our control and what is not.  Right down to the choices we have… in that, we always have them, even when we think we don’t, or whether or not we like them. It’s all just a matter of acknowledging what life is showing you; you can either stay and flood with the useless crap, or you can grab what really matters, venture out into the water, the storm…. and freggin’ swim your ass off until you get to where you need to be! Even if it takes you asking and accepting help. Even if you have got to get wet, or even sink a little...

It took a real act of Nature for me to wake up and realize that I was actually living in my own self-created emotional shit-storm every single day.   

Unlike a natural disaster at the hand of Mother Nature,
how many of us actually live like that?  
As though, every single day we're surviving a figurative hurricane?
Are you?

Ask yourself some honest questions…
How many of us are trying to escape our circumstances?
Or living unsettled; feeling as though we have no security? No place? No space?No choice? No Power?
Living like we've been unfairly robbed of our options?
Feeling that there's nowhere to go, no way out...
Living like we’re a victim of our environment’s misfortune?
Do you?
How many of us spend most of our energy trying to convince the outside world that we have no choices… and that everything is done to us, but never by us; swearing that we’re all just at the mercy of someone else, or something else’s dirty work?
How many of us live our lives, pointing our finger toward someone else as a means of deflecting attention off ourselves? 
Perhaps as a means to not feel, heal, rebuild, reinvent and just grow bigger than our challenges?
How many of us live our lives (even in our homes) surrounded by, and honoring stuff that serve no real purpose or value?
Surrounded by things that provide a means of distraction to what’s really happening in our inner world as well as our outer world? 
Our outer world being our connections, our relationships, our emotional ties and what value we really bring to the table.
What would you do without anything or anyone in your outer world?
More importantly, who would you be without those people, or things, or title?
You'd still be someone; who is that person?
Who are you? You don't need conditions to be, so who would you be?
How many of us create an outer hurricane to distract us from the inner one?
How many of us feel that living is out of reach and just being doesn't exist?
We're so entrenched in just surviving!
How many of us keep ourselves distracted by ‘doing’, to not have to face the fact that in our current state we’re incapable of just ‘being’ within the circumstances we've created?
How many of us feel we don’t possess the attributes and capabilities to change those circumstances?
Here’s the real kicker….
How many of us feel that if we can do enough,  earn enough, buy enough, work enough, travel enough, achieve enough, save enough…. we’ll be enough? Why do we think we’re not enough without circumstances?

If this doesn't apply to you you are either incredibly empowered, or incredibly in denial.

I know hands down that I've been living as a victim of Hurricane Jen. I've been, more times than I wish to admit, a victim of my own creations…and I’m not too proud to admit it…but I’m courageous enough to change it though. Are you?

Who the hell wants to survive hurricanes everyday anyways…

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